Deserted in the Desert

I posted this on my I'm No Belle blog at the beginning of 2008. I wanted to post it again on this blog to give a little background on my life in the desert. Even reading it now, I can't help but think "Sheeze I can't believe I acted like that when we got here!" Praise God, He grows us up.


I love this picture. It is not something you would see in a gallery or even on a wall in someone's home, but for me, it is my favorite picture Big Daddy has taken. I know it is not captivating or special to look at; it only has significance for me. You see, this picture perfectly captures what the year 2007 has meant to me. I have often described 2007 as the "winter of my discontent". It seemed as though everything that made me feel wonderful and fabulous was ripped away from me this year.

In 2006 had friends, wonderful friends who though I could do anything. I had a home that I loved. It wasn't a house, it was a home in every sense of the word. It was a place that made me feel safe, it brought peace and joy. I loved my church and the people in it, they were like my family away from family. I could have stayed in Connecticut forever. I had been given a great life there. I knew it was temporary. I knew that someday, the Navy would have us move, but I never knew how hard it would be.

The life that I had come to love, the people, the places, the feelings, they were all fleeting. In October of 2006, Big Daddy got orders to Idaho. I was shocked. We had been promised another 3 years in Connecticut. I had in no way prepared to leave so soon. I laid on the couch for three days and cried. Luckily, Big Daddy was at sea when we got the news, so he couldn't see my pain. I had prayed and prayed that God would allow us to stay there and when I found out that we would be moving, I was angry. Why would He do this to me? He knew how much I loved Connecticut. He knew that I finally had a place that made me feel comfortable in every aspect. He knew that I involved in my church. He knew that I had friends there. He knew it would hurt me to leave. Why? Why did He take it away?

I suppose it sounds silly to be upset over such "small" things. It is not like a death or being stricken with an illness. After all, I could still talk to my friends, I could find a new church, and we would have a new place to live. The pain was a result of having to say goodbye to something I had never had before. While I have a great family, and grew up with great friends, I never had a home. I had always lived in my step mom's house, and she made it very clear that it belonged to her. I wasn't lead to believe that I was brilliant, or fabulous, or funny the way I was in Connecticut. The hold she had was strong and even though I had been to college and had lived in South Carolina for a year, it wasn't until we moved to Connecticut that I was freed from the baggage that "her house" brought. Having to leave the people and place that seemed to erase all the insecurities and pain that I had carried for so long, terrified me...it made me angry. To me, saying goodbye to those things wasn't so "small".

Finally, after three days of crying, I picked myself up off the couch and started to prepare for the bible study I would be leading. Even though we were studying in Romans, the lesson had me go back to Genesis. The entire time I had been crying, I had been begging to stay in Connecticut. I believed that if God wanted us to stay, the Navy couldn't make us leave. I turned to the refrence in Genesis,

"Leave your country, your relatives, your house, and go to the land I will show you."

I knew right then that we were going to leave. We couldn't stay. It was God's doing. Slowly, we began preparing to move. I continued to cry and struggle with the the thought of leaving, but I now had the confidence that it was God's will. Over the next few months, things started falling into place, confirming that we were doing the right thing. Big Daddy's Captain and a few other higher-ups had offered to help us have his orders changed, but we were both sure that was God's plan for us to leave. We didn't know why, but we didn't have to know, we just had to obey.

I began to fantasize that life in Idaho would bring us much more joy. I couldn't imagin God having us leave a place of peace, only to send us to a place of struggle or suffering. Somehow I even began to look forward to relocating. I just knew that we were going to be rewarded greatly for our obedience. I couldn't think of having a place that I loved more than Connecticut, or friends that were as fabulous as the ones I had there, but I was confident that God wouldn't take those things away, without having something better for me. However, when we arrived, it was a different story.

Idaho did not throw us a parade as we entered. Neighbors did not pound on our door begging us to be their friends. The house we moved into do not become a home. Where was it? Where was the good, the reward, the better? I was back on the couch crying. It didn't last three days...this time it went on for two weeks. I tried to hide it whenever I would talk to friends or family. When they would ask me if I liked Idaho, I would say things like, "Oh the mountains are beautiful." I wouldn't get specific, I didn't want them to see the pain...the weakness. I hadn't even told God how disappointed I was...I didn't tell Him anything. I wasn't speaking to Him. He had made me move and He had caused the suffering.

Despite my anger, Big Daddy and I tried to find a church. I knew my suffering would be temporary and I knew that someday, I would want to be involved in church again, so I went along with Big Daddy. The idea that we had once taught children or that I lead a bible study discussion group, seem so far away, like it had been a different person doing those things. It was all I could do to not sob through the entire service. I felt abandoned. I felt like I had been obedient and had been thrown to the wolves as a reward. The baggage that I had left behind 4 years earlier, came back to haunt me. How could God cause me to suffer?

I don't know when the change took place. I can't point at a specific day or incident that my thought process began to change. I just remember deciding that even though I was mad, I still believed. I believed that God was God, when I am happy and when I am hurting, He is still God. Finally, I said to Him, "I don't doubt who you are, or that you love me. I just hurt and...I don't want to talk to you right now. I'll get there but its not now." In an instant I felt a wave of peace rush over me. It was as if He was saying, "I know and it is alright." Slowly, over time, I began saying more things to Him. I still hurt and I was still confused why He had us leave the home I had come to love but at least I could recognize that had not left me.

So when I look at this picture, I see where I was; at the bottom of the mountain. In a place of hurt and doubt. I also see where I am; half way there. No, I am not at the top. I haven't reach my destination, but I am almost there. I've got further to go, but I have already had a major victory; I can say with joy and confidence, that my faith is real. It doesn't depend on my happiness or the circumstances that surround me, I BELIEVE! When things are good and when they are bad, I BELIEVE! Where is God in this picture? He is not at the bottom or somewhere out of reach. He is not at the top taunting me or pointing out how far I have left to go. He is right there next to me, showing me how far I have come, and telling me that He will help me the rest of the way.

Why did God have me move? If it was only to show me that my faith is real, it was worth it.